harder than it looks.

i think this photo is from the first few days we were home from the hospital, when i was still living on adrenaline and endorphins and nowhere near enough showers. that precarious balance lasted for a couple weeks (maybe three?); wherein i couldn't believe that this baby would ever be two weeks old, three weeks old, four weeks old...

and here we are, nearly at his six week birthday. i have somehow managed to keep this little thing alive for five weeks. he is learning how to sleep for over two hours at a stretch, he is learning how to wait more than two hours between feedings, and he was seemingly born knowing how to pee on me when i change him.

it has not, however, been easy.

those of you who know me know that i've struggled with depression and anxiety in the past. although i've got a good handle on it now -- i can usually recognize reality in the face of the horrid hyperbole i can turn an experience into -- i was so afraid of post-partum depression. so, i was so proud in those early days home with le bebe, not realizing what a good friend adrenaline was.

the wheels fell off the cart sometime around week three-ish. the melancholy set in, and the anxiety started seeping in the edges, and i began to feel completely overwhelmed. even with my past experience, i couldn't make sense of it, i couldn't talk my way through it, i couldn't accept it. i felt guilty and angry because i wasn't handling things perfectly. every time he cried, i panicked. i was afraid to take him outside, i was too tired to go outside myself, i lived hour to hour, and it was killing me.

i went to see good ole doctor hersh for my follow up appointment last week, and literally burst into tears when he walked through the door. i couldn't even articulate what was wrong, i had to sit there in a paper sheet and socks and cry for fifteen minutes, wiping away mascara with a crunchy paper towel. i got a little bit of a lecture on letting go, on how i should go out, on how andy and i should go out, and on how, though i was hoping not to, i need to go back on the zoloft i was taking before i got pregnant (there are only the minutest traces of zoloft found in breast milk). its not something that i'm doing without a lot of thought. the only thing i want to be right now is the best mother i can be to this little tiny blue eyed boy. and i will do everything i can to be as good as that job as i can be.

things are improving, slowly. we packed the little one into the sling to go to trader joe's today, and though my eyebrows were knit through the experience, we did it, and came away with a couple weeks of groceries, with only a little fuss. we also took the baby AND ALL THREE DOGS on a walk day before yesterday, which i think i found more fun than andy did, given that i had the stroller and he had the leashes, but really, i could have done that all day long.

i am trying my best not to speak in platitudes about how amazing motherhood is (fail), but it is such a surreal experience. earlier today, we were all sitting on the bed, andy, me, arlo, lincoln tragg and daisy, and andy looked up and said "look at what a small space our family can fit into," and it was everything i could do not to weep (in a good way).

its not all happening the way i thought, and i'm almost ok with that. in the meantime, its happening the way that its happening, and i'm thisclose close to surrendering to the adventure.