also,

we are down to single digits, as of today.

like i said, yesterday was my last day of work (until sometime in august), admittedly, it was not one of my best. i woke up with a case of anxiety i haven't seen the likes of since i was a teenager, and it grew all day until resolving itself over a red velvet cupcake from big man bakes downtown (a new discovery, though i have to admit i liked it better when i thought it was called "big man cakes").

i will miss work (am i really saying this?) like fever. i figured it out a bit last night, after worrying over it like a splinter for a good couple hours, while trying to explain it all to andy:

several years ago, i really wanted to finish college. so i kind of let other aspects of my life slip: i had a crappy job, when i had one; i had a crappy boyfriend, when i had one, etc. i just focused on school, and finishing, and lo and behold, i graduated, and my grandma got to see it.

next, i met andy. and he seemed worth really trying to get better at relationships. and so i made this relationship my priority. i had some really crappy jobs in there, again, when i had one, and we had some rough patches, but we seem to be able to navigate together, even when seas are less than gentle. and i like him, and he says he likes me, so we've got that going for us.

a little over two years ago, i decided i needed to make a change at work (and boy, did i need to make a change at work). and i did, and i got lucky enough to stumble into a career that i really like, and not too long after that, stumble on to an agency that i really like, and about 12 colleagues that i love, and a boss that i admire and adore. and i've been plugging away since then, through good days and bad and missed goals and met, and etc. and, i'm happy there. mostly satisfied with the work i do. eager to learn more. nowhere near done.

and yet.

i am understanding now (finally?) that the focus is changing. somehow, over the last several months, i've missed that point. but, with my last day, and my tidied (but not cleaned -- i'm coming back) office, and everyone coming in to ask about when we're going to get cupcakes and then staying to chat about about how much my life is going to change, it hit me, major.

and its not that i'm frightened (i don't think i am), or feel unprepared (definitely not, and photos to prove it are forthcoming). i'm not reticent, or unsure, and lord knows i haven't changed my mind (no, no, nope)...its just, i can't put my finger on it. maybe its that i am so ready? i honestly don't know.

likely, its that change is afoot. and the only thing i've ever been sure of when change has been afoot before is just how much i'd like a set of training wheels,a nice big bottle of knob creek, and a three-day cry...