hello portland, my old friend.

i'm coming to visit you again....

firstly, as an excuse for the long time (though "long time", i think, is relative, don't you think, nicole?) its been since i've last posted: i've been incredibly depressed. for no reason that i could put my finger on, rather lots of little reasons swarming around, moving too fast to put your finger on and squash. rest assured, i am doing what i can to make myself feel better. exploring options, taking deep breaths, listening to iron and wine (but not too much! too much makes me cry), watching law and order reruns. all the things that make me feel good. i'm trying all of them.

however, as some of you know, the other night it got the best of me. upon hearing that almost everyone i loved was going to be in portland at the same time, and upon realizing that i completely lacked the funds to join them, even though i had been trying trying trying, and wanting wanting wanting, the grief got the best of me and i cried. cried a lot, it just hit me like a something, i don't even know. i cried laying down, sitting up, standing up over the sink. i cried into the boy's shoulder, into the dog's side belly, and then into a wet washcloth. i cried until after two o'clock in the morning. i cried until way after i could no longer breathe through my nose.

i woke up puffy eyed and miserable and stayed so all day. and then the boy, who really turns out to be the hero of this story, made an offer that i first immediately refused, as it made me feel (and yes, there is irrationality here, but really i was sad and depressed and irrational and, for me, that comes hand in hand with a nasty bout of pride and stubborn-ness. the dumb kind of stubborn-ness that wants to hang on to the thing that's making me so miserable in the first place, otherwise, i can't be miserable anymore...) vulnerable, but after about 30 seconds of sulking out the passenger side window, i asked "no, really?" and thus plans began to hatch.

so: i'm going to portland. i get there at 1:15 on wednesday august 9. i leave the following tuesday in the evening. for those that will be there with me, please take note: i will have very little money while i'm there, and am likely peanut-butter and jelly and ladie's night-ing as much as i can.

things i want to do: go to the river. have a knit-night extraordinnaire (i think that means champagne). and stare at all of you.

xo
lms.

Comments

nicole said…
yeah! i'm doing a jig! and I challenge you to a staring contest!! go.

how long are you staying for? please say forever.
you looked very pretty at your cousin's wedding. i love your dress, can I have it?
how did i know that you would love that website (my library). oh, maybe because i'm a genius!

oh, yeah, don't forget my birthday presents.

thanks. see you in a few weeks.

me.


p.s. did you see my blanket that i made? check out my blog.
sue said…
hooray! i am so ready for this - see you in no time!!!

p.s. i didn't realize that i used the exact same title for my pdx visit blog post - woops! i changed it!!!
Nika said…
it was so nice to see you and the knitting ladies again. i finally made a blog so that i can leave a comment and look like a real person. yet i have nothing much to say. just thank you for coming--the stumptowners miss you.

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